It’s been a little over a year since I scrapped the whole damn site. Too many security vulnerabilities associated with outdated software that was too much of a pain in my ass to fix piece-by-piece, so, I’ve just started from scratch after backing up about 20 gigabytes worth of old data dating back to when I was 14.
I’m 22 now, for those wondering. Twenty-two years old and two semesters away from graduating with my biology degree and, given any luck, at least one publication with my name on it. Yup, I’m doing the science thing for real. Crazy, right? I’m like, kinda succeeding and stuff. Neat! For a while I just thought I was gonna rot on the Internet living with my parents for another ten years or so. Thank heavens that’s not the case!
In some ways, nothing has changed, while in other ways, everything has changed. I’m certainly not the same person I was a year ago when I flipped the proverbial tables and scrapped everything. I’m also definitely not the same person I was when I first started this website, shortly after my 14th birthday. But at the same time, veterans who have managed to stick around this long (so, basically, a few of my friends) will be able to tell that I’m still the same Cat, just leveled up.
From here, I suppose I’ll post my latest Big Post that I’ve posted on social media elsewhere. It’s a biggun, and it’s a decent update for y’all who care about my life and such.
Disclaimer: This is very long and personal and I will not be offended if you choose not to read it.
I suppose it’s been long enough and that I can tell y’all what’s been going on in my life. Many of you already know what I’m about to say, many of you don’t. I’d also like to share an epiphany of sorts that I’ve had recently because, well, I want to write it all down, and maybe it’ll help someone out. Maybe I take myself too seriously. Maybe it’s all just a bunch of bullshit. You don’t have to agree with any of it. I’ll just write it out and let you be the judge.
I do not have a significant other, a special someone, in my life anymore. It’s okay. Please don’t be sad for me. It was truly, honestly, a mutual decision, and we are still good friends. I promise. I know, a mutual breakup has probably happened, like, five times in the whole of human history, but that’s what it was for us. We decided to “quit while we were ahead” so to speak, so that we didn’t end up hating each other. This happened a while ago.
It was definitely the right choice for the both of us.
NOW, before I go ANY FURTHER, if ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS TAKES THIS AS AN INVITATION TO MESSAGE ME AND FLIRT WITH ME AND TRY TO GET IN MY PANTS, STOP IT RIGHT NOW. I WASN’T INTERESTED BEFORE, AND I AM NOT INTERESTED NOW. DO. NOT. DO IT. If you are a potential mate, I WILL LET YOU KNOW MYSELF. So, if you haven’t heard from me, if I haven’t come running to you begging for your love and affection… PLEASE get the message and hang up the fucking phone.
Sorry, that was harsh, but believe me, it was necessary. Moving on.
My point is that I’m going to “do me”. To be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t really been truly single for the past seven years of my life. I’ve gone virtually my entire adult life so far with someone to depend on for emotional, social, and sexual validation. I’ve never really experienced life as me, by myself, as an adult.
This is where my little revelation comes into play. I’m not going to assume that this applies to anybody but me as that would be a really egotistical thing to do. But this way of thinking is working for me, and I’d like to share it on the off-chance that someone else enjoys reading it, or, better yet, someone gets some sort of helpful insight from it.
As much as I might try to hide it, I’m still human, and I still have basic egotistical needs. Specifically, I need validation. In my mind, I picture a little triangle, equilateral of course as each need is of equal value, and with each point representing a different need. The needs are, as I alluded to earlier: sexual, social, and emotional.
Social: I need to have somebody to talk to, to exchange ideas with, someone to keep me company. I need validation of my presence within a community.
Emotional: I need to feel loved and cared for by someone.
Sexual: I need to feel attractive to somebody, I need to feel wanted.
What I had been inadvertently doing was, for the past ~7 years, relying on ONE person to fulfill all of these needs, to give me all three types of validation. I mean, why wouldn’t I? It was easy, and it kept me satisfied. Because I was doing this, I was also subconsciously basing my own sense of identity on my being with them, if that makes any sense. It wasn’t their fault, not at all. This was all me. I just wasn’t even aware that I was doing it.
So, needless to say, when I found myself without anybody, I experienced a bout of soul-crushing sadness. I had never felt so alone, so empty. I wasn’t receiving any validation like I was used to, and of course I’m the type to hole up and shy away before reaching out for help. I don’t like people knowing about my problems. I want everybody to believe everything is fine, all the time.
So I remained sad. I reached out to the wrong people and got my feelings hurt. Then, after some few days, something “clicked”.
I am surrounded by wonderful, loving, compassionate, beautiful people – my friends, family, even (and at times ESPECIALLY) colleagues – who give me all the emotional and social validation I could EVER need.
All this leaves “empty” is sexual validation, which, in my opinion, is the most shallow of the needs (but again, equally important), and also the most easy to fulfill. Don’t get your hopes up – I’m not gonna suddenly become extremely promiscuous, as stated above. But the other needs require some amount of investment by another party; emotional validation requires someone else to ACTIVELY care about you and empathize with you, while social validation requires someone to ACTIVELY care (or pretend to care) about what you have to say, what you contribute to your community, and spending time with you. Does that make sense? Sexual validation just requires someone to let you know that they find you to be an attractive specimen. Hardly any investment required. Post a sexy picture to Facebook and let the “likes” roll in –bam, sexual validation. It’s easy.
With that being said, I would like to thank my wonderful friends and family for always being there for me. I lack the capacity to properly express how much I love and appreciate you guys. Even when I’ve been shitty, you’ve been solid. I cannot thank you enough for that. I love you guys so much.
There you have it, my little coping mechanism for finally being single. Life is funny, life is strange, but life is also wonderful and full of surprises. Life is good.
I’m doing me. I am happy.